Friday, July 22, 2011

Size Matters

I’ve mostly always been a bigger gal.  I was never a size two…or four…or even six for that matter.  The smallest size I have worn in my adult life was about an 8.  I liked being that size.  It was nice.  But it didn’t last very long.  I like to eat.  I like food.  I like really bad, fattening food most of all.  On any given day, I crave chocolate like a junkie tapping a vein.  So basically I have always been a bigger gal.  I probably always will be.

When I was younger, I did get made fun of for it some.  Not horribly so…I was not “the fat kid”…I was just always a little puffier than average.  As an adult, I actually had a guy I liked tell me “I think that if you lost a little weight, you’d be really cute.”  At the time, I was a size 10-12…which, in my opinion, is not exactly huge.  But this guy liked the little size 2-4 girls.  Ok…that was his opinion so to each his own.  I’m ok with it.  Besides that…he turned out to be a really bad kisser and for me, all bets are off if you are a terrible kisser.  But that’s another story.

At one point I was a size 16-18.  I was really unhappy being that size.  I was uncomfortable and felt gross and hated the way I looked and much of the time I hid in boy clothes like military style BDU pants and big t-shirts.

Then I came across this whole BBW Fetish thing.  For those not “in the know”, that stands for Big Beautiful Women.  A term coined by men who dig big women and like to see them in sexy clothes … and in no clothes … and in lord knows what else.  I was kinda fascinated by this.  I did a little modeling for amateur photographers.  I got flattered a lot and told how hot I looked.  I enjoyed it for a while.  Regardless of this though…I was still uncomfortable and still didn’t like the way I looked.

So all these years later after fighting my weight my whole life and having a few cow jokes and being made fun of for being heavy…someone actually got onto me for not liking my weight.  They told me I should accept my size and love myself for who I am not what size my clothes were.  Well I appreciated it at first and was glad to know there were people out there who appreciated me no matter what.  There were people who found me beautiful and even sexy at that size.  How nice!  But then when I tried to lose weight – those same people picked on me the same way the skinny girls picked on me for being fat!

Now wait a minute.  Yes, I have a right to be fat and accept it and be ok with who I am.  Thank you.  I appreciate that.  However…it is ALSO my right to not be happy with it and to want to be thinner.  I feel physically better at size 10-12 than I do at size 16-18.  My clothes are more comfortable and it’s easier to sit in the car and on an airplane and things like this.  So why should I be berated for wanting to be smaller just because YOU have accepted your size and are ok with it?

If you accept your size – why can’t I go and find the size I want?  Why is that a problem for you?  If I am fat and you are thin – why do you need to make fun of me for being fat?  If I am trying to lose weight – why do you need to tell me I should not do it?  Oh…and while we’re at it…not all skinny people are happy either!  So why do people think it’s ok to make fun of skinny people just because thin is more popular?

So then we take the facts and we stop and we really look at it…and Light Bulb!  The truth comes out.  All of these women…the thin ones…the fat and happy ones…all the ones who have something to say…are ALL – DUN DUN DUN – INSECURE.

That’s right ladies and gentleman.  They are ALL insecure.  The skinny ones need to make fun of the fat ones because they are terrified they will get fat.  The fat and happy ones are insecure because their choice is unusual and they feel the need to constantly defend it.  The fat and unhappy girls want to make themselves feel better by making fun of the super skinny girls.  It all boils down to people being insecure and needing to defend themselves out of fear.

How do I know this?  I’ve done it too.  I’m human and defending our choices and ourselves is human nature.  This…and the fact that I just tend to understand people better than your average Joe on the street.  I should have been a psychologist or a therapist or something.  I’ve been told this a million times.  I’m too lazy to go back to school though.  Woops…tangent.

Back to the point we go.  Lots of people are unhappy about their size and lots of people are fine with whatever size they are.  It’s just a fact.  Some people are also delusional about their size and have these crazy “body dysmorphic disorders” that cause them to do really irrational and unhealthy things.  A lot of that is brought on by those insecure people who found it necessary to make them selves feel better by making fun of someone else.  How sad that we do this to each other. 

If you are too thin and you hate it – I hope you can fix it and make the choices required to be where you want to be.  If you are fat and you hate it – ditto.  If you are a BBW and you accept it and love it – more power to you.  Go be you.  But while you’re out being you…keep letting me be me and strive for my own goals.  In the end – it’s yourself you need to make happy.  While you may make yourself momentarily happy by making fun of someone else…eventually that’s going to come back and bite you right on your whatever size butt. 

Yes…I’d love to be a little size 4 with a flat stomach and arms that don’t continue to wave long after my hand stopped.  I’d also like to be taller, richer and have better hair.  The fact is – until my “Yay cake!” reaction ceases to be stronger than my “Oh my god, these pants are too tight” reaction…I’m just gonna be a heavy gal.  That’s my choice and what I have to live with.  So please don’t try to force me lose weight so I fit your thin and perfect mold.  Please don’t try to force me to accept the weight I am at if I don’t want to.  Please don’t try to make me feel bad either way.  I am the one I need to make happy.  Not you.

On a side note – I also feel that you should try to be healthy.  Being considerably over OR under weight can be very bad for your health.  Regardless of what the number on your tag or your scale says – you should try to be as healthy as possible on the inside so you can enjoy your life and the people around you can enjoy having you in their life.  Don’t assume that thin is healthy – as many people do.  Work toward a healthy you on the inside and deal with the outside as you will.  And whatever you do – consider the feelings of other people before you comment about their size.  Whether you think you are being encouraging (Accept your size, you’re beautiful!  But you’re so thin, how can YOU complain!) or not – think about what you’re saying and how it can feel.

Hi…I’m Lynn…I’m a size 12 and wish I was a size 6.  Are you gonna eat that?






4 comments:

  1. This is great. I remember back when I was at my smallest - maybe 4ish at 5'7" - I was told a lot 'eat a sandwich'. My nickname back there was Somalian child. How is THAT okay? I just had a REALLY high metabolism. Nowadays, I'm not that size any more and I caught telling a coworker to eat a sandwich. A second later I apologized, realizing how rude that was.

    Also, just because you're not the 'ideal' weight doesn't always mean you're unhealthy, as I'm sure you know. My mom, who is something like 5'4" is a good 12-14. Not exactly thin by any stretch. She had her annual physical last week and the doc was pretty surprised that all her blood work came out totally normal. She's nearly 50 and isn't on a single drug, hasn't even hit pre-menopause. All that healthy eating is doing her well, even though she's a carb-monster.

    Me - I couldn't tell you what size I am because in the Jrs which sadly, I still shop in, I'm at least an XL, but in a grown-up store like NY&Co I'm around a 4 (which is silly). I'm not where I want to be but I'm not obsessing over it. I do what I can when I can. I have a husband who loves me the way I am regardless unless I'm at a point to where I'm just disgusted with myself- because self worthlessness radiates.

    Good post, girl. Keep it up. I read them all <3

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  2. Yeah, I don't know when it became ok to pick on thin people just because most people WANT to be thin. I say "eat a sandwich"...or "give that girl a sandwich"...and I forget that it's rude. I do believe that being underweight is bad for you and it doesn't look good but I forget that it's no less mean to pick on people.

    AND...at my heaviest I was healthier inside than a lot of the thin girls I knew...so yeah, I get that.

    Glad you're enjoying the blog!

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  3. I have been guilty of telling skinny girls to eat a sandwich, though only once in memory to their face, and that girl looked like a walking skeleton, I could see her ribs clearly through her skin tight tank top. It was disturbing, and she smiled and made a comment about how hot she was and no one could take their eyes off of her, and I had to tell her "No honey they are all staring at you in mild horror. You really need to eat a sandwich." I was honestly not trying to be snarky at that point, it was really worrying how thin she was.

    But I have been known to make snarky comments about skinny girls, and about fat girls, and hey I am a fat girl. I typically refrain from saying it to them though, because I have better manners than that, but it still really doesn't make it ok to say.

    Yes I am certainly insecure, and no I am not comfortable or happy with my size, but I am working on being healthier and happier, and hopefully a little nicer.

    I will never be skinny. I will never meet my BMI which wants me to be somewhere around 170 or lower. I know for a fact I start looking sick at 170 and that is not healthy. Also 170 is only a size 10 if I am lucky. My body isn't designed for single digit clothes. I have shoulders and hips and calves and boobs, none of this is going to change, and that I am ok with.

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  4. I love your attitude. I'm glad you are working toward healthy and that you are realistic about your goals and what's good for you.

    For the record...I think you are beautiful, regardless of size. It helps that you are beautiful on the inside AND out.

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