Thursday, October 25, 2012

Of being vague and having friends...

So…for those of you not familiar with the randomness that is a Facebook Meme, allow me to introduce you to one of the ones I participate in…and am fully amused by.

It is referred to as “VagueBook Wednesday”. It’s a particularly juvenile thing we do where we post vague statuses that no one really understands but us…and we do not explain. Additionally, your readers know not to ask…because that would defeat the purpose.

Many of us (guilty) use it to say scathing and ugly things to people that we would not otherwise say. Did I mention that this is juvenile? I don’t care, it still amuses me. Sometimes I use it to get something out of my system so that I DON’T actually say it to someone. Occasionally my filters break and I let things fly out of my mouth that should have NEVER left my head.

Now, that being said, allow me to tell you about the epiphany I had whilst indulging myself in this juvenile game.

On Wednesday, I composed one of the most scathing, acidic, hateful posts I have ever written. I even wrote it down so I wouldn’t forget it. It was directed at two people who have deeply hurt me, people who are not on my Facebook, people who I have never had the opportunity to tell just how much they hurt me and just how reprehensible I find them and just how much anger I hold toward them both.

I waited all day to post it and was going to do so just as soon as I got home. In an even more juvenile and ugly thought, I really hoped that someone who knew one or both of them would tell them about my angry post and that it would hurt their feelings even a tenth as much as they had hurt mine.

That particular day, instead of going home directly after work, I had an errand to run at a local mall. Not being a big fan of malls, I complained at how I did not want to go to the mall…even though my favorite restaurant was at that mall...because what good was that when I don’t like to eat alone? A good friend popped up and offered to meet me at the restaurant. Well that sounded fun, so I agreed. Then another good friend popped up and wanted to come too. Then another good friend! So, a couple of hours later, I was seated at my favorite restaurant with three people I love to spend time with. We ate, we talked we laughed and then we laughed even more. We left and went to another location for ice cream. One of those friends generously treated us all. There, we ate ice cream, talked and proceeded to laugh until our sides ached and at times we had tears in our eyes and our faces were red. It was the most fun I’d had in weeks.

Finally, we all parted ways and I went home. After I changed my clothes and fed righteously indignant kitty…(sorry for staying out too late, Fuzzy), I sat down in front of the computer and opened Facebook. I was ready to finally post those angry thoughts I’d been saving for several hours and hide my juvenile, nasty streak behind a “meme”.

The problem was…my amazing friends had filled me up so much with happiness and laughter and love…that there hadn’t been in room in my heart to hold onto those angry words. I simply didn’t have the heart to post them. Instead, I posted about what a lovely night I’d had…and how I just didn’t have the heart to post the angry words I had meant to post for the day.

It occurred to me that if you open your heart to the people who love you…and allow them to fill it up with their love for you…and the happiness of friendship…and the joy of sharing time with people you care about and who care about you…you do not even have to work to push away anger and pain and resentment. It just falls away and is replaced with joy. A joy that helps you let go of stress and ugly emotions like hatred, jealousy and resentment.

You just have to be open to it.

Now, I’m not saying that I will never again set free my inner 8th grade girl and allow her to spew forth the vengeance that is hers. Let’s not be ridiculous. I’m sure there will be many future VagueBook Posts that are worthy of a Junior High note folded like an arrow and marked F.Y.E.O. (For Your Eyes Only) and passed quietly across English class. I’m still human, you know.

However…I do see that I would much rather fill my heart with joy and laughter than anger and resentment. And I’d rather spend my time laughing until I cry than composing angry letters to people who treated me poorly…that will accomplish nothing but to add another gouge in my already damaged heart.

I also see, that while I may have some people in my world who have been cruel to me, I have considerably more people in my world who love me and enjoy my company and wish nothing but happiness and laughter for me. These are the things and the people that I want to hold onto with every ounce of my strength. And while I do that…I won’t even waste the energy to wave goodbye at the others…I will just let them slip away. I will leave them on the trail toward freedom from anger and pain…and the rain of my happiness will wash them away…as if they were never there.