Sometime today, a judge who never met me and knew nothing about my life except what he quickly skimmed over on some paperwork, signed the order that states that I am officially divorced. After eleven years of building a life together and five years of marriage, I now find myself single. It is disorienting. I thought I would be much more upset today than I am. Maybe it just hasn't hit me yet. Maybe I'll fall apart when I get my copy of the paperwork. I don't know.
What I do know...is that I've spent the last four months, since he walked out my door...trying to understand why we couldn't fix it. The only conclusion I ever really came to...was that I would probably never truly understand it. I also spent time trying to forgive myself for my part in the dissolution of the marriage. And as odd as it may seem...I tried to forgive him...for hurting me by choosing to go and seek his own happiness.
Yes, he lied to me. Yes, he made out with another girl while we were married. Yes, he gave up on me and let me suffer through several counseling sessions trying to work it out when he knew in his heart that he was done. I'm angry at him for those things. However...I am also not perfect. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. I have hurt people. I have broken people's hearts who truly loved me...because I had to do what was right for me. Based on that, I tried to understand his decision and forgive him for hurting me. He could have gone about it in a more honest manner. But truly, I don't know if it would have hurt any less. It did make me think less of him. But again...I've not always made the best choices either.
So...all that being said, this is the end of an era. Hopefully it is also the beginning of a better one. I still feel a bit broken and a bit betrayed. I still feel like it's going to be a long time before I can feel like that about anyone again. I still think it's going to be a while before I can give my heart away like that again. I intend to make sure that anyone who wants to be part of my life knows that. I don't want to hurt anyone the way I've been hurt in the last year.
The last time I was hurt this badly, I shut down. I closed my heart for years and didn't let anyone inside. I'm making a valiant attempt not to do that again.
I'm giving myself time to heal. I'm surrounding myself with people who love me and care about me. I'm not letting this stop my life. I am a bit broken...but not so much that I cannot repair myself and feel whole again. I believe that I will be in love again some day. I believe and truly hope that I will find someone to share my life with who is as careful with my heart as I am with theirs. It will take time...but I have faith that it will happen.
The chapter on A&L is now ended.
"This is the story of my life. I write it every day. I know...it isn't black and white...but it's anything but gray. I know...I'm not alright...but I'll be ok. Anything and everything can happen. It's the story of my life."
To anyone reading this...thanks for being part of my story.