I have a completely irrational hatred for Kurt Cobain.
I didn’t think it was irrational until my husband really made me explain it and be honest with myself about it. He’s really smart like that. My husband, I mean. Not Kurt Cobain. He’s not smart…he’s dead.
Regardless…I still have an irrational hate for the man. Not as intense as it used to be…I’ve softened…but still. Hate.
Maybe it was because he was so derisive about the music I loved. Maybe it was because he ushered in the whiny, “my life is so hard”, flannel, “let’s be angry” era...which I hated. I liked the happy, cock rock 80’s. I didn’t want to wear flannel and bitch about how much the world sucked. I liked wearing shiny clothes and too much makeup and listening to music that made me smile and laugh and want to have a great time!
Additionally…I didn’t particularly care for his voice and thought his lyrics were lame. I thought he was completely overrated. I still do. I’m sure he had some talent. I mean…the guy had millions of fans who loved his music and thought he was brilliant. On that I’ll say, to each; his own. I just personally never saw the appeal of misery and angst. I’m also sure there were talented people in his band…they’ve gone on to be successful without him so obviously they were doing something right. And they still remember him fondly so he obviously had some good qualities.
But to be perfectly honest…the majority of my, albeit completely irrational, hatred for Kurt Cobain…is the fact that he killed himself and left his little girl behind. That he didn’t fight for his life or for hers.
I do feel sorry for people who are so miserable they want to end their life. That must be horrible. I’ve never felt that way. Not truly. Trust me…I’ve hurt…I’ve felt pain…I’ve had emotions so raw that it would break lesser women. I had some rough things happen to me in my life. I made some really bad decisions that made my life a lot harder than it should have been. But you know what? I accepted those responsibilities and did my best to make the best possible life I could. No…I didn’t always make the right decisions. Of course I didn’t. I’m human. I did some things for the wrong reasons. Everyone makes mistakes. It’s part of life. But the key for me…was that I didn’t wallow in self pity and allow myself to get taken over by it. I dealt with it. I put others’ feelings before my own. I put others’ needs before my own. To put it bluntly…I was not a selfish prick.
Now…to be (at least a tiny bit) fair…it’s very possible that Kurt Cobain also had some sort of medical issue. A chemical imbalance that made him depressed and cluttered his brain so that he couldn’t sort it all out. But he also had ridiculous amounts of money at his fingertips…with which he could have purchased counseling and medication to get his head right. But no…he had to be a selfish bastard and not consider anyone else’s feelings or needs. It was all about him and what he needed and how he felt. This is how I feel about suicide. I’m sorry if it’s harsh…wait, no I’m not. I’m not. I’m sorry he was miserable. I’m sorry he couldn’t deal with the world. I’m sorry for his family’s loss. But what I’m really sorry for, is that he wasn’t man enough to get the help he needed so that he could be a father to his child. A husband to his wife (were they even married?), a friend to his band mates, a son to his parents, an inspiration to all the fans who thought he was so amazing. I’m sorry that he was weak and couldn’t see the world because he was so busy wallowing in self pity and crying about how hard it was to be famous and conflicted and unhappy. This is what I’m truly sorry about. This is what I’m truly angry about. This is why I have irrational hatred for Kurt Cobain. Honestly…I don’t think my hate is that irrational…just the level of vehemence with which I occasionally let it spew forth when talking about him.
If you think you have nothing to live for…take a minute to look at your life and all the things you have that so many others would love to have. He had a beautiful little girl. How many fathers have lost their children to disease, drunk drivers, murder and other circumstances beyond their control? Think about what those men would give to spend one more day with their little girl. He had musical ability. Think about all the struggling musicians who would give anything for just ONE shot to make music on the level he could. He got to see the world and be heard. How many people would love that opportunity?
If you have a child…and you say you have nothing to live for…you are a selfish bastard and I feel truly sorry for your child. No…I still do not believe they are better off without you, though. I don’t think a day goes by that Kurt Cobain’s daughter doesn’t wish she had been able to know her father. I’m sure there are many people that were in his life that still miss him and wish they could have helped him some how. Leaving people behind to cry for you and wonder why they couldn’t help you is just cruel.
Life is not all fun and games and flowers and rainbows. But damn it…it can be worth living.
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