The Eyes Have It...

“Are those your real eyes?” Can you imagine someone asking you that?  Welcome to my world.  I have been asked this on many occasions.  Literally.  Word for word.  That question.  Of course, my first response is to the very literal meaning.  Are they real?  Are they mine?  So the obvious obnoxious answers are usually things like “No, I borrowed them from the neighbor’s dog.”  Or, “No, I stole them from a dead guy.”  Because…come on.  Hello?  Are they mine?  Well they ARE in my head.  Are they real?  As opposed to what?  Because guess what…if they are not real and I have glass eyes…how rude were you to ask me that?

I know some of you are shaking your heads.  But I really have been asked this and have had some of the most ridiculous things said to me in this general vein.  Let’s see if I can quote a few.

“Nobody’s eyes are that color.”  Huh?

“Wow…they don’t even look real.”  Oh, thanks.

“No way.” As he flicked his lighter in my face to get a better look.

Or…at the top of the list…”Not fair!” babbled at me in Japanese as my sister in law stomped on the floor like a little child.

I’m sure all of these were meant as a compliment.  They were just cleverly disguised as absurdity.

Most of the time, these comments have been made by men who were trying – in some ridiculous manner – to flatter me by implying that my eyes are so beauteous that they could not possibly be real.  So I guess I’m actually supposed to blush and flutter and be all flattered.  However…it’s such a generally dumb question that I can rarely see the compliment through the stupidity.

Don’t get me wrong…I appreciate a good compliment.  It’s just that this is not really a “good” compliment.  It’s silly.  Do you really think my eyes are beautiful?  Then say “Wow, your eyes are beautiful.”  I’d even be happy with “You have pretty eyes.”  If all else fails you can even go with, “Nice peepers.”  Just say what you mean.  Don’t try to disguise it with some clever bit of random so you don’t sound like you’re hitting on me.

And for the love of parsley…if I decide to NOT be an obnoxious bitch – yes, it does happen…sometimes…and I simply respond that yes, they are in fact, real…and mine…please oh please do not try to further compliment me by insisting that it is not possible.  If you did not intend to believe the answer, you should not have asked me the question!  Egad. 

Yes…I’m sure many women put on color contacts to make their eyes some unusual and interesting color.  Good for them.  It’s fun to do stuff like that.  Hell, I haven’t seen my natural hair color in 25 years.  I’m all for fun enhancements.  I just don’t see how asking me if I’m wearing some is supposed to be seen as a compliment.  I mean…do these guys go up to a woman with a nice rack and say, “Wow…are those real?”  Do they look at the girl with the hour glass figure and say, “Nice curves, are you wearing a girdle?”  Of course not!  So why is it a compliment to ask me if I’m wearing contacts?

It really sounds like I don’t appreciate the fact that someone is trying to compliment me and that’s really not true.  Although I’m not great at accepting compliments, I do try to be gracious when they are given.  Even if I don’t agree with what is said - which is often.

I just wish that if you were going to give me a compliment…you would actually put some thought into it first and make an intelligent statement.  It’s really not that difficult.

Hey…reader…yeah, you…the one reading this blog…you have good taste in reading materials.  See what I did there?