Kenny Rogers is a smart guy. He gave some really good advice in a song a long time ago. “You’ve got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away, and know when to run…” There was more, but this was the line I was thinking about. Now that I’m writing this thought down…I find myself wondering who actually wrote that song, because now that I think of it…it probably wasn’t Kenny Rogers. But I’m going to credit him with the good advice, because he is the one who sang it and that’s where I heard it.
The specific piece of advice I’m talking about is...that sometimes you’ve got to know when to walk away. That is a harder thing for some than others. It’s also a harder thing depending on the situation and what you’re walking away from. But truly – knowing when to walk away and actually doing it, can be the most difficult thing in the world.
I have had some relationships that I knew were not going to work. I knew early on that they were not going work. I stayed longer than I should have because I thought things would change. You always think that if you hold on a little longer, things will get better. Sometimes they do. Many times, they don’t. I thought he would change when he saw how much I cared. I thought he would change if I just acted more like this…or like this. I thought things would get better if I just did this other thing. Alas, things did not change and neither did he. People don’t change because you want them to. They change when THEY want too. No amount of begging, pleading or changing yourself will make someone else change until they are ready and they want to. That’s another hard life lesson to learn.
This is not just about relationships though. I’ve had this with friendships too. People I tried to be friends with despite some things they did or said that really bothered me. You always think that a true friend would stick by their friends no matter what. But honestly – sometimes you have to walk away for your own sanity. Sometimes you have to be a little selfish and do what’s best for YOU. In reality – it’s not even selfish. Maybe I should have said that sometimes you have to be self preserving. Because in the end, that’s what you have to do. Preserve your life and your own sanity by walking away from a situation that’s not getting any better.
Because of this…you have to know when to walk away. Sometimes knowing WHEN to walk away is as hard as the actual leaving.
I guess in either situation – my measuring stick is about the same. Allegorically speaking, it’s more of a measuring scale than a stick. You know those scales that you put weight in one side and the item you want to weigh in the other? Yeah…like that. In order to know when to walk away…I weigh the good against the bad. When the bad stuff clearly outweighs the good…it’s time to go. Now obviously that’s not a technical measurement and there are a million variables and a lot of it has to do with perception. However, sometimes you can look at a situation and see the obvious imbalance. When you do…it’s time to walk away.
Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t mean for people to keep check and balance sheets on their relationships like a check register….but if you look around one day and realize that you are unhappy four out of every seven days with this person – maybe it’s time to go.
In addition to this…the recent issue with my alcoholic friend…and some random conversation regarding Amy Winehouse…warrants mention of this situation as well. Sometimes you have to walk away from someone who you KNOW really needs help. If they will not get/accept the help – you cannot keep walking around behind them and cleaning up their mess and waiting for them to die. You can’t. Sometimes you have to know when to walk away. Sometimes walking away from that person is the one thing that snaps them back to reality and causes them to realize that they have to get help. Maybe if enough people had walked away from Amy Winehouse and stopped putting up with her bullshit…she would have gotten help and would still be alive. Maybe not. I don’t know. Every situation is different. But you can’t keep trying to help someone who refuses to accept it. You have to walk away to preserve your sanity and to let them know that their behavior is not acceptable.
If this person – be it friend or significant other or even family member – makes you feel bad way more than they make you smile, maybe it’s time to walk away.
So take Kenny’s advice about this. Do not take all his advice…because his surgery choices might not have been so great and his business opportunities don’t seem to have panned out that well either. But on this, you can be sure – you’ve got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away and know when to run.
I usually hold ‘em too long…but I’m learning.
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