Knowing is half the battle

G.I. Joooooooe!!!  I loved those little commercials when I was a kid.  The ones where G.I. Joe told you the right way to behave and that once you know what to do…knowing is half the battle.  He was really right about that.

In a way, that’s good.  Knowing is HALF the battle.  Unfortunately…it’s the easy half.  Because the other half is actually DOING something about it.

Therein, lies my problem. 

I have flaws.  I know, I know…it’s hard to believe, because I seem so awesome.  Alas, I do have many, many flaws.

Thing is…I know about them.  Well, at least most of them…I’m sure there are more.  I just haven’t done anything about them.  I do try.  I have called myself out on many occasions.  And knowing is half the battle!  G.I. Joo-wait, I already did that part.  Anyway – yeah…so I’ve won half the battle by knowing I have these flaws…I just have to try and fix them.

People look at flaws differently and with different levels of importance.  So others may tell you a different version of what my biggest flaw is.  But personally…I think my biggest one is that I’m judgmental.  I jump to conclusions about people and I judge them, and their actions, based on my own personal experience.  I realize that this is completely unfair to these people.  I realize that I do it.  Yet I cannot seem to stop myself.  Over the years I have gotten better about not spouting my opinions right away and that’s good.  But I still do jump to that judgment. 

In my defense…when I am proven wrong, I admit it and admit that I should have kept my fat mouth closed.  At least there’s that.  And when I say that I am judgmental…I do not mean that I look at every single person and make a judgment call on them based on how they look or the color of their skin or what they are wearing.  I know better than that.  I have friends of all colors, religions and sexual orientation.  So I don’t mean that I just judge people and think I’m better than them.  I mean that I have a tendency to be judgmental about certain things.  I know this is a bad thing.  However…I just can’t seem to stop automatically judging people’s actions against my own experience.

I have a tendency to automatically believe that any woman in an abusive relationship is just weak and insecure and just needs to get the hell out.  But it’s not always that simple.  One of the strongest women I know was once in an abusive relationship.  So while I never really thought that about her…because I knew her…I still jump to that conclusion.  I have never been in a relationship like that.  I walk away at the first sign of physical violence.  But that’s me…and I’ve been fortunate that way.  Not being like me does not make you weak or a lessor person.

I also have a tendency to jump to conclusions about women who do not have custody of their children.  When I left my marriage, I had almost nothing…but I kept my children and I did the best I could to give them a good life and be good to them.  I was far from a perfect parent but I worked at it and I loved them and they turned out pretty good.  So I automatically believe that if I could do it…so could anyone else.  It’s just not always the case.  I am sure there are some good reasons for women to have given custody to the children’s father…I just can’t imagine it.  I would never give up my kids.  I’d have fought right down to the ground for them.  I’d have worked multiple jobs and done anything I had to do in order to keep them with me.  But again…that’s me.  And not being like me does not make the other person wrong or bad.  Plus – I don’t know the situation and to top it off…it’s really none of my business anyway!

I go right to that statement…”Well why don’t they just…” whatever I think they should do.  But the fact is, it’s not always that easy.  If it was…well, I guess I wouldn’t be writing this blog because I’d have fixed my tendency to be judgmental.  I’d also be thin because I’d take all my own weight loss advice and be healthier.  All these things I think people should just do…are as hard for them as it is for me to just eat better or just work out every day or just do any of the other things I could just do to improve my health and the way I look and the way I feel.  So why do I still automatically think these things?

I am not a mean person.  I’m actually a pretty nice person.  I like to help people and I like to make others happy.  I am not completely selfish and I do occasionally put others needs before my own.  I try to be a good person and treat others with respect and kindness and acceptance.  However, none of this makes up for the fact that I can be judgmental and harsh about things I feel strongly toward.

I guess it’s good to know what your flaws are and at least try to fix them.  It’s a good thing to want to be a better person.  I suppose that we all have things we don’t like about ourselves and that wanting to fix them is a good thing.  I do make a valiant effort.

I just have to stop trying to force that on other people.  Just because I did something, that doesn’t mean it’s the right choice for everyone.  What was right for me may not be what is right for someone else.

I am a stubborn, stubborn mule of a woman.  I know this.  I believe what I believe and it takes a strong, reasonable, very well thought out argument to change my mind about something.  But I will.  If your argument makes sense…I will listen and I may even change my mind.  And I will admit it.  I have learned to admit that I’m wrong – that’s one of life’s hardest lessons in my opinion.

Part of growing up and being a functional human being is learning.  If you stop learning…you stop growing and if you stop growing…you just die.  At least your mind does.  So hopefully if I keep trying…and keep admitting my faults and my mistakes…and at least TRY to be a better person…then maybe someday I will accomplish it.  Maybe someday I WILL be a better person.  In the meantime…all I can do, is keep trying.