Falling from the sky at 120MPH

So yeah…I went Skydiving.  It was amazing.  But I want to be more specific while it’s all still fresh.

I went out Friday night…with the intent of being home and in bed by 1AM…which turned into 2AM.  Oh well.  I got up at7:45 to get dressed and ready and Dok and I headed out at about 8:45 and drove to Whitewright, Texas…home of Skydive Dallas.  The nerves started pretty much the minute I got up but I kept a pretty good reign on it.  It took us about an hour and a half to get there.  The first thing I did was go to their pro shop to check in where they gave me the scariest waiver ever to read over and sign.  Most waivers state that you know you can be injured and that you hold the company harmless….this one was really specific about being seriously injured or killed.  Trippy.  Anyway…I signed my life away and then waited for my Tandem Class which was to start at 11AM.

They called us to a classroom where they told us exactly what was going to happen and showed us a video.  They taught us the three specific things we needed to know about how to Tandem dive.  Position one: crossing your arms over your chest so you can scoot out of the plane with your instructor…the position two: thrusting your hips forward and putting your head back and throwing your arms out for the free fall…and position three which is pulling your knees up to your chest to come in for a landing.  That’s really all you need to know.  So we went back downstairs and waited to get called for my turn.

When they called my name I went back and got a jumpsuit and helmet and got all dressed.  Then I met my instructor Waz. He was a totally neato guy.  Really nice and really funny.  Nice looking too.  He put me in a harness and went over the positions again and exactly what was going to happen.  Then he teased the heck out of me and made me laugh.  When we headed to the plane he said “Hey, where’s your parachute?”  I said, “Well, I thought you had it!” he laughed and said “Ok, you’re smart enough to skydive.”  We laughed.  He cracked jokes with me the whole time which was awesome because it kept me relaxed.

I also met my videographer / photographer.  Her name was Charity and she was hilarious.  I showed them my Superman shirt…at which point Charity ran upstairs and changed her shoes…she changed into shoes with The Flash on them.  Too funny.  She interviewed me for my video and it was quite funny because I acted like a big dork.  Told her I was from Space.  I don’t know where the hell that came from.  I’m even dorkier than normal when I’m nervous.

Anyway – we went out to the staging area and waited for the plane.  When it got there, we climbed in and were packed like sardines.  There were two other instructors and their students, me and Waz, Charity, and four solo divers.  I was sitting between Waz’s legs and the next guy was between mine.  It was pretty darned friendly in there.  We joked all the way up to our 13,500 feet jump altitude.  The four solo guys went sailing out of the plane and then Charity climbed out and was hanging off the side of the plane with her video camera on her helmet aimed at me.

Waz and I scooted on our butts over to the door of the plane with my arms crossed over my chest as instructed.  I barely had time to think before Waz did a three count of “Let’s…..Go…SKYDIVING!” and we went sailing out of the plane.  I went quite naturally into position two like I’d been doing it my whole life.

Now…you see people skydive and you imagine what it would be like.  I always thought it would be like falling and that it would be a rush and really scary.  But honestly…I never felt ANY kind of drop sensation and never really felt like I was falling.  It felt like we eased gently out of the plane and just hovered.  It was amazing.  The wind was rushing past my face but I didn’t really feel it.  I was grinning like a total idiot…and with the tight goggles and my chubby cheeks and the 120 mile per hour drop…well…my face looked incredibly stupid.  But I don’t care…it was awesome.

We had just under a minute of that free fall and Waz pulled the chute.  I bounced in the harness…it hurt a little…I have bruises.  But again…it’s ok…it was worth it.  From there we just floated toward the earth.  We did some turns and spins…Waz let me hold onto the straps that control the chute and make us turn…that was cool.  Then he told me “You see those hawks over to your left?”  I automatically looked up.  But no…they were BELOW us.  Moment of “oh wow” there.  But he said “You wanna scare the crap out of them…watch this.” So he sails us around over the top of them and starts making these horrific bird noises and the hawks bank like crazy and get the hell out of there.  WAY funny.

When we were about 20 feet from the ground, he told me to pull my knees up so I grabbed the sides of my jumpsuit and pulled my knees as high as I could get them and we just gently floated right down to the ground.  It was so cool.  I put my feet down and took a few steps and we were good.  The chute caught some air and we stumbled a little but never fell…which I thought was cool.  I saw a lot of tandem jumpers come in and slide on their butt.  I was glad to have an on foot landing.

That was really all there was too it.  Waz and Charity were incredibly nice to me.  Everyone in the whole place was super nice and they just make you feel really at home.  It was pretty awesome.  I had a great time.  They offer you a second jump at a seriously discounted rate and I took it.  Bought it right there on the spot.  I can see myself getting hooked on this seriously expensive hobby.

Anyway – so that was my awesome first skydive experience.  I can’t wait to go again.  It’s really an amazing feeling.  I highly recommend it.

My humor is totally unappreciated.

Probably because I’m not really that funny to anyone but myself.  I find it hilarious when I’m the only one who thinks a joke is funny.  You know…when you are laughing to beat hell and everyone is standing there, smiling awkwardly at you and wondering if you are going to be able to breathe soon?  Yeah…that just makes it funnier to me.  Not that this happens regularly or anything…but it does happen occasionally.  I have been known to get the giggles and laugh about some truly ridiculous things.  I’ve also been known to laugh at things that are highly inappropriate … or just generally not funny to anyone but me.

Here are a couple of my recent zingers that no one seemed to really appreciate but me and maybe one other person.

During a conversation about religion with a co-worker:

L: When in 2012 is the world ending?

K: I thought that was this year…I celebrated that back in May.

L: No, that was the rapture.

K: Oh.

{A short conversation ensues about the rapture and what is supposed to happen.}

K: It all depends on how your denomination interprets the book of revelations.

L: Yeah.  I interpret it as the insane ramblings of a lunatic, but that’s just me.

This was the first part I found really funny.  We continue to talk about things happening during the book of revelations and what different churches believe.

L: I knew a guy who said that Revelations implies that the anti-christ is going to be the Pope.

K: Wow.

L: Yeah…can you imagine?  He’ll drive around in his little bubble car and watch us heathens get our barcodes.  HA!

Okay – yes, it was highly inappropriate and would have been borderline offensive to someone who was very devout and believed in the rapture...or maybe a devout Catholic too.  But I still laughed myself silly.

The same day I had the following conversation with my best friend regarding our impending trip for me, her and another old friend of ours, to a Haunted House Attraction.

N: I told her I might not be able to walk very well out there.  She said that was ok because she might not be able to either.

L: Oh great.  Gimp night at Screams.

N: Man, now we’re the Three OLD Muskateers.

L: Hey!  I’M not gimpy!

N: You will be when I crack you with a bat.

L: How you gonna catch me, gimpy?  I can still run.

(I laughed so hard I almost snorted when I sent this text.)

N: You will answer the door when I come over.

L: Yeah…with a hatchet.

Yeah…still probably only funny to me and her.  I told my husband this story and was laughing so hard!  He gave me that “ok, honey” smile and somehow managed not to pat me on the head.

Last but not least…sitting at my desk, doing my work, mind my own business…and I come across paperwork with a fun last name on it.  So I tell my coworker…

L: This guy’s last name describes how you calculate the cost of a Happy Meal.

K: ?

L: McMath

K:                     […crickets]

Yeah…my humor is just way undervalued.

Birthday Improv

In the immortal words of the lovely ShayWhat – “You can’t embarrass people who do faire.”  By which, she means myself and my cohorts who are characters at Waxahachie's Scarborough Faire.

Now I won’t say “can’t” because I’m guessing there are still things that could be done to embarrass me or any of the other people who do faire.  However…I have noticed that it’s definitely considerably HARDER to do.

I do not consider myself an “Improv trained actor”…however, I do think I got some incredibly good Improv training from some very talented teachers/actors.  I learned a lot from them…and I find myself using this training in my everyday life in a million different ways.

Back in September...I took the opportunity to use it... to deflect any embarrassment I may have felt on my birthday at Genghis Grill…when my mother decided to tell the waiter that it was my birthday and that I needed to be sang too…humiliated…etc.

The diligent waiters all ganged up and came to my table where I was sitting with my friend Michael and another friend Michele.  They said “I hear someone here has a birthday.”  I pointed to Michael immediately and said it was him.  Then I said it was Michele.  But they knew.

So they asked me my name and I blurted out “Alfred”. 

The guy just looked at me and said “Really, what’s your name?”

 I replied “Alfred”.

So he said “Ok, if you won’t tell us, we’ll give you one.  Ok Sara, how old are you today?”

I said “84, I look good for my age, right?”

They laughed…as did all the people who were now staring at me from every corner of the restaurant.    “Ok Sara, can you stand up?”

I said “My name is not Sara.  It’s Alfred.”

He said “Come on Sara, stand up.”

 I said “I’m not Sara…if you call me Alfred, I’ll stand up.”

He sighs…”Ok, Alfred can you stand up?”  I stood up. 

Someone said “How do you spell it?” referring to my name…

To which I replied, “It starts with a  ‘Q’ so it can be very confusing.”  Again, I get laughs. 

He turns to the crowd and announces “Genghis Grill may I have your attention please!  This is Alfred and she is 84 years old today!”  The crowd laughs and applauds.  He tells me “We are going to sing to you and while we are singing, we need you to use your arms and body to spell out your name.”  I agree to this.  They start to sing…and I spell out “QALF” and that was as far as I got.  The crowd is cracking up, I’m cracking up…it was funny.  I did not get embarrassed…I made other people laugh…and I had fun doing it.

So … points for me and my introduction to Improv training…it makes my life so much more interesting.

The one where I ramble on and on about Bon Jovi.

Remember how you saw a poster of a really hot singer from a band…and then they became your favorite band before you even knew their music?  Yeah, that didn’t happen to me.  The fact that the singer was hot…was totally a bonus.

I grew up on country music and bluegrass.  In my house we listened to Hank Williams Sr. and Hank Snow and Johnny Cash.  Mom listened to all the newer country like Garth Brooks and Reba McIntire and George Strait.  So that’s what I grew up with.  I started branching out and making my own choices about music when I was about 13 years old.  I didn’t really own any of my own music at that point…but that’s when I got my first stereo and started listening to the radio in my room.

I never really paid that much attention to bands unless they were really mainstream and popular and everyone was talking about them.  Otherwise…I just knew what songs I liked.  There was one song I liked and didn’t know who sang it…it was called “Runaway”.  I never really tried to find out who sang it but I sure loved it when it came on. 

When I was 16…I was in the truck with my brother and he was flipping stations.  We were driving along listening to some random station and a song came on that I just really loved.  My brother grunted and turned the station.  I said “Wait!  What was that!  I liked it!”  He said “Ugh, they play that damn song every five minutes, I’m so sick of it.”  Just then, we pulled up at the store we had been going to and he went in.  The minute he got out of the truck, I turned the radio back to that song and I really enjoyed the rest of it.  They never said who the band was…but the song was apparently called “Livin’ on a Prayer”.  I really liked it.

A couple of weeks later…I went to my cousin’s house with my mom.  My cousin had cable and was watching MTV in the living room.  (We never had cable growing up so I barely ever watched MTV.)  While standing in the kitchen with my mom…I heard yet another song that really caught my ear and I wandered into the living room to listen.  I said hi to the cousin and asked, “Who is this?  I really like it.”  He tells me, “It’s Bon Jovi.”  I look at the screen…and just stand there…in shock.  On the television screen is the most beautiful man I have ever seen.  He is wearing red, patchwork leather pants and a jean jacket and a scarf.  He has long, curly, puffy hair…and the most gorgeous blue eyes on earth.  I was completely smitten and just stood there and watched the video.  I was in awe.  Bon Jovi.  Their name was Bon Jovi.

Over the next year I managed to get the cassette tape that “Livin’ on a Prayer” was on…as well as the song he was singing in the video, “You Give Love a Bad Name”.  I also managed to get two other cassettes that had been released previously.  Guess what?  They sang that Runaway song I liked so much.  How exciting!  From there…it progressed to posters and magazines.  By the time I was 17, two entire walls of my bedroom were completely wallpapered in pictures of this band and more importantly, it’s singer…whose named turned out to be Jon Bon Jovi.  I was completely and utterly obsessed.  I cut small two to three inch square photos from magazines and put them all around the door jamb.  I couldn’t get enough of his face.  When I was 18, they came to Dallas to play.  I taped an interview with him from the radio station Q102.  I hung on every word that came out of his mouth. (Honestly…I think I might still have that tape around somewhere…)  I begged and pleaded to go to the concert but was not able to get anyone to take me.

In April of 1989, Bon Jovi played in Lubbock, Texas, just a few miles from where my grandparents lived.  My cousin Melanie, knowing I was a huge fan, managed to get me a ticket.  I just had to get to Lubbock.  So I took what little money I had from my crappy Dairy Queen job and bought a bus ticket.  I packed up my 2-1/2 year old daughter…and off we went.  My grandfather agreed to drive me to the show and my grandmother would keep my daughter.

The night of the concert, I was 80’s-tastic in my black spandex pants, white, fringed leather boots and a giant white t-shirt that said “Welcome to the Zoo”…of course, belted with a double wrap, black leather belt with studs.  I had huge 80’s hair and ridiculous 80’s make-up.  My grandparents frowned a little…but didn’t say anything.

I was so excited I could hardly speak when we got into the venue.  I enjoyed the opening band, Skid Row and stayed on my feet from the time they started until the end of the night.  I was surprised to be asked to sit down by the people behind us.  The couple I was standing with and I told them no…who sits down at a concert???  I mean…I didn’t mean to be rude…but people, BON JOVI was about to be on.  I could barely contain myself.  But the real moment of truth…the moment of bliss…was when Bon Jovi hit the stage.  My heart was pounding so hard that I thought it would explode out of my chest.  I sang my heart out to every song and I screamed my happiness at every break.  And when he came out onto the catwalk above the audience…I was in shock that he was a mere 25 feet away!  By the end of the show I could barely speak, I was so hoarse.  It was – at that point – the greatest night of my life.  I had never been happier.  Ever.  I still have the tacky headband and the buttons I bought after the show.  And I still remember walking out of the venue with the people I sat with…singing Homebound Train at the top of our lungs.

In the 22 years since then…I have seen them in concert about 8-10 more times.  And as my daughter got older, something else truly amazing happened.  She fell in love with them too and Bon Jovi became something we could share.  We have been to their concerts together several times and it’s practically a ritual.  It’s something that she and I treasure and that belongs solely to us.  It’s an extra bond we have.

Additionally, I have collected ridiculous amounts of Bon Jovi paraphernalia.  I have all their albums.  I have concert shirts, hats, stickers, shot glasses, key chains and jewelry.  I even have Bon Jovi pajamas and a blanket.  When my daughter has a child…it will have Bon Jovi onesies and whatever other baby stuff I can find.  But more than all of that…I have music that never ever fails to lift my heart out of whatever depths it may reach.  Bon Jovi has been there for me through the worst periods of my life.  They have kept me sane.  They have kept me from misery and more than likely…kept me from harm.  They have lifted my spirits…made me cheer…made me laugh…made me cry…made me think…made me proud…and just generally been the one light in my life that has never gone out.  No matter what…they were always there.  Even though they didn’t know it…and likely never will.  Sometimes I wish I could just hug each and every one of them and simply tell them Thank You.  Thank you for always being there for me and never failing to be a light when all other lights were dim or out.

Jon Bon Jovi is an inspiration to me.  He is a happily married, father of four who commits his life to his music and his family and to helping others.  He has built homes for the homeless, fed the hungry, donated to, and raised millions for, charity, donated his time and energy to worthy causes, raised awareness for important causes and inspired me to volunteer.  My very first volunteer work ever…was because of him.  Because he talked about how everyone should go out and volunteer at least a little of their time and how everyone can be a hero to someone else.  From the first time I saw his face…somewhere in the very last days of 1986…I have known he was special.  I was right.  And I will be forever grateful to him for his music that has touched my life and for his inspiration to me and the kind of person I want to be.  Though you may never know it…I love you Jon Bon Jovi.  You are one of my true heroes in life.  You will always be one of my favorite people to hear…and to look at.