On being a gentle whisper.

A co-worker of mine retired recently.  I signed her card and went to her retirement gathering and made silly jokes and hugged her.  But when I got back to my desk…I realized that I had things I wanted to say to her.  So I sent her an email:

“When I first came to [this job], like with any job, I was nervous because I tend to be an outcast at every job I have because I have some eclectic tastes and habits…but you made me feel very welcome and at home here and I will always be grateful for that.  You have such a loving and sweet spirit and I am so glad that I got a chance to know you.”

She sent me a lovely reply:

“One always hopes that they make a good impression with people as they travel through life.  I never think that I do much.  You have helped me understand that it is sometimes the little things that mean more than originally thought.  Thank you for being a friend and coworker.  Best luck in your future.”

It struck me that this lovely woman really did think that she didn’t do anything memorable or have any effect on people’s lives.  And it reminded me of myself…because I thought that for a long time too.  So I immediately wrote her back again:

“You and I are cut from very similar, if not the same, cloth.  We don’t make the huge, sweeping gestures…so we belittle the impact we make on other people’s lives.  But after some time, you realize that those little things all eventually add up…and we make impressions on people’s hearts that they never forget.  I’ll take that over a grand gesture any day.”

Now don’t get me wrong…I love the people who make grand gestures and do huge things.  Everyone who tries to do for someone else is appreciated by me.  I love generous people.  I just also want the people who do the little things to realize that they too make an impact on people.

I was a wallflower in school.  Only a few friends and never really part of a group.  I walked away from high school thinking that nobody there would ever remember me after a couple of years.  15 years later, I got an email from a girl in my class who told me all about how she never forgot how sweet and friendly I was to her and how I always made her feel welcome and as if she always had a friend in me.  I never thought she and I were that close…but I liked her.  And I just never realized I’d left any kind of impression on her.  I was so happy to find out that I did.

A cousin of mine that I always loved but never really had a lot in common with…came to my bridal shower a few years ago.  We played a game where you had to pick some candies out of a bowl and for each candy you had, you had to “say something about the bride”.  When it came her turn, she talked about how much she loved me and how much fun we had as kids and how she loved what a good person I was and that she was so glad we were family…and she cried through the whole thing.  This touched me so deeply that I still tear up any time I talk about that moment.  I had no idea that I’d had that effect on her.  I thought I was just her annoying, younger cousin.

Past coworkers have told me several years later that I inspired them to do something just by being myself and doing the things that I did that were different from everyone else.

Another cousin told me that I had inspired him to love certain kinds of music that he really enjoyed and that he’d picked it all up from me…and I had no idea he even knew what kind of music I listened to.  But he said I brought that music into his life and he thanked me for it.  I never even knew.

So…yeah.  These little things that you do…whether it’s a purposeful thing you did for someone or just living by example, you never know who you might be inspiring or encouraging or leaving a strong imprint on.  The little things matter.  Do not belittle or discount the things that you do for, or share with, other people.  They count.  And if you are lucky like I have been, someday those people will tell you about the impression you left and let you know that you added something to their life.  For me, there is nothing more rewarding.

Toddlers and technology

You’ve probably all seen the hilarious picture of the little three year old boy on the phone with his hand on his face in “face-palm” position…with a funny little quote that says something like, “No, Grandma. Listen, double click the Chrome icon…”

It’s funny…because it’s so true. Children today are introduced to technology the minute they are born. They grow up with it and if their parents and grandparents do not keep up, the next thing you know, you have a three year old giving you tech support.

Fortunately for my grandson, his “Meme” (that’s what he calls me) is not completely technology impaired. I possess a smart phone and a laptop computer and even a game console. Admittedly, I only play one actual video game…and primarily use the game console as a blu ray player…but I do have it. I am not a tech geek. I cannot do all sorts of cool tricks with my technology or upgrade my system and I can’t take my computer apart and rebuild it or anything like that…but I am, at the very least, reasonably “tech savvy”. I understand the basics. Just don’t ask me about The Cloud…because that still confuses me.

Anyway…my point is that my grandson will not have to explain to me what an icon is or tell me how to navigate that new-fangled gadget…or how to access, as my dad once called it, “That there internet thang”. He may have to help his great grandparents with these things, but not Meme. Although - it would not surprise me if ten years from now there is some new toy my grandson has to teach me how to use. At just under two years old, he has figured out how to get into his mother’s smart phone, find her contacts, and call people based on their picture. He recently called me at work via “Face Time” and proceeded to smile at me a lot and then hang up. It was one of the highlights of my day. Another highlight of the day was telling his mother that he did it because she had no idea.

He knows how to run his little thumb across the smart phone and scroll through pictures. He knows which ones are videos and how to make them play. He knows how to find games he can play. And he loves to just push buttons until he has made an utter mess of your phone and deleted contacts and changed settings to the point where YOU can barely use your phone. I generally keep my phone hidden when he’s visiting. It’s easier than telling him no…because dear lord, that adorable little face…

Anyway…recently, my daughter and grandson came over to the house to visit. As usual, I spent most of the evening trying to keep him entertained because he is inquisitive and wants to play with everything and touch everything. I try to keep things put away but he always finds something he should not have. He is obsessed with phones – which he calls “mones” – and computers and remotes. He wants to play with them all. Anything with a screen or buttons…he is drawn to it like a moth to a flame.

His parents recently bought the new X Box with voice control. Thus he went and stood in front of my television and commanded “Bock on”. (Box on) When my daughter explained this to me, I almost fell over laughing.

When he arrived on this particular evening, I hid my phone and turned off my laptop and closed it, in hopes that he would ignore it…no such luck. He got up on the couch and opened it and closed it a couple of times. Since it was turned off, it did not respond. He tapped a few keys, still no response. He opened and closed a couple more times…and then ran his tiny little finger over the mouse pad. I just shook my head in amazement…my mother does not even know how to get my laptop to turn on. Fortunately, he couldn’t find the power button so he never actually got it to turn on. Bored, he put it aside and went to find more things he could touch. At one point, he found my game system controller. I saw him pick it up…and he got that look on his face that makes you picture a little cartoon light bulb appearing over his little blonde head. He took it over to the couch, climbed up, pulled my laptop back into his lap, and opened it. He pointed the game controller at the laptop screen and commanded “bock on”. Needless to say, this did not work…but the fact that he put those things together, made me both crack up laughing and also marvel at his little thought process. “Holy crap,” I thought to myself, “my grandson is a genius.”

He may have also recently stuck his head between the bathtub and a bannister post and gotten stuck there, causing his mother to have to butter his head to get him out…but technologically speaking, he’s still a genius.

A friend of mine recently posted an article on Facebook talking about one of the popular memes going around.  It is a series of lovely little pictures that say something to the effect of “If you can’t accept me at my worse, you don’t deserve me at my best”.  The article goes on to say how this statement gets taken out of context and seems to assume that you can be as crappy a person as you like…and that if people love you, they should accept it.  “Deal with it”, some of them say.  The article is quite insightful and is titled, “If I can’t accept you at your worst, then maybe you should stop being so horrible.”  It’s so true!!!

 

On the one hand, I agree that everyone has bad things about them and everyone has bad days, etc.  If you love someone, you should accept that they have a few bad habits or not so great qualities…provided these are things they at least attempt to work on.  The fact is…no amount of my loving you is going to make it ok for you to be a serial killer, rapist, masochist, narcissist, or other incredibly nasty things.

 

Everyone has flaws…and the people who love them…love them despite those flaws.  However, people usually know they have flaws and they at least make some sort of effort to be better.  At the very least, they try really hard to make sure that their good outweighs their bad.  So that whole  “If you can’t accept me at my worst…” thing…comes with a caveat.  People should acknowledge this.

 

Oddly enough…the day before I read this article…I was thinking something very similar and thinking about writing it down.  Reading that article nudged me enough to actually get it done.

 

There’s another popular little meme thing that gets posted on Facebook a lot.  It has different variations of text.  The most recent one I saw said, “You are allowed to terminate toxic relationships.  You are allowed to walk away from people who hurt you.  You are allowed to be angry and selfish and unforgiving.  You don’t owe anyone an explanation for taking care of yourself.”

 

Now…let’s see…I agree with what the writer was probably thinking…but I think this takes it a bit too far…and I think it misses a golden opportunity to present the other side of the coin as the article mentioned above did.

 

Yes.  You are allowed to terminate toxic relationships.  Of course you are.  However, you should also be aware of whether or not you are causing any of the toxicity of said relationship and work on not causing it in future relationships.

 

Yes.  You are allowed to walk away from people who hurt you.  Just remember that the people you hurt are allowed to walk away from you too.  So try and remember to be forgiving of the things about others that you would want them to forgive about you.

 

Here’s where I think this one hits a curb.  “You are allowed to be angry and selfish and unforgiving.”  I think that the writer MIGHT have meant…that you are allowed to appear this way from the eyes of the person you are walking away from.  Because…in any other situation, would you tell someone it is “ok” to be selfish or unforgiving?  Probably not.  So yes, I think it’s ok to be viewed by someone else as selfish and unforgiving because they are not looking at themselves and how much they have hurt you.  But I don’t think that being hurt by someone is an excuse to actually BE selfish and unforgiving.

 

The last sentence says “You don’t owe anyone an explanation for taking care of yourself”.  Well…to some degree, this is true.  You do not OWE anyone an explanation for taking care of yourself…unless what you are doing to take care of yourself directly affects them.  Then…I think a little explanation might be in order.  Additionally…if you have to walk away from someone because they have become a toxic relationship for you…make sure they know.  It may not help…they may not learn from it…but make sure they know.  Chances are, the person who got angry enough to write this…told the person they were walking away from…a thousand times.  So no, you do not owe that person anything.  You have to do what is best for you and what is best for your health and sanity.  However, put these things into context.  Make sure to look at yourself when you are boldly proclaiming these statements. 

 

Allowing yourself to let go of toxic people?  Make sure you are not one of them.

Allowing yourself to let go of people who cause drama in your life?  Make sure you’re not the one creating (or exacerbating) the drama in the first place.  There is no such thing as a “Drama Magnet”.  If you’re constantly surrounded by drama…look in the mirror…because you might be the dramatic one.

 

All that being said…please don’t think that I’m saying that every situation is the same or that it’s always your fault too.  Relationships are generally about two people…and they are rarely completely one-sided or completely one person’s fault.  What I AM saying…is to constantly take a look at what you are adding to the relationship…and while you’re getting rid of those “toxic people”…be aware of your own shortcomings and make sure you’re not one of those toxic people someone else is trying to let go.

 

On clutter...

I spent the majority of the first 18 years of my life living in hovels.  My dad had a hard time keeping a job and my mom tried her best but daycare just doesn’t pay well.  So we could never really afford a house big enough for all of us.  There were a couple of times we got to spend a few months living in a house that had a room for everyone…but not often.  Most of the time, we ended up in a two bedroom house.  My brother and I would get our own rooms and my parents would sleep in the den/living room.  There was always “stuff” everywhere.  My dad is a bit of a pack rat.  Well…let me rephrase that.  He WAS a bit of a pack rat…now he’s more of a “hoarder”.  But that’s another story.

Also, just so this makes sense, I wasn’t like those kids who grew up in one house during their entire or childhood…or even two houses…or three.  If I sit and think for a minute…I can remember living in ten different houses between the ages of 5 and 18.  This does not include places we lived before I was 5 years old…because I can’t remember back that far.

My point here is…I spent my life living in a mess.  Our house could never be clean because there was never any room for everything.  So there was always “stuff” everywhere.  Stacked in every room…on every surface…in every corner…there was stuff.  It was not organized, it was not neat…it was always a mess.  Add to that…that many of the places we lived were old…and ended up being infested with roaches.  So, many of the places I lived during my childhood…had bugs.  Not all…but many.  It wasn’t because we were dirty.  We kept the kitchen clean…kept the trash out…kept food put away…the houses were just old and we often lived in the country.  There was one house that we even had an exterminator come and treat…but the bugs just came back.

Most of my life I avoided having friends over because I didn’t want them to see what the inside of my house looked like.  I was embarrassed.  I had a few friends that I eventually got close enough to that I would let them come over…but it was still hard for me…especially when I had been to their nice, clean homes.  It was a hard way to live.

When I got out on my own, one of the things I promised myself was that I would never live like that again and I would never make my kids live like that.  I never wanted my kids to be embarrassed to have a friend over.  I am not the cleanest person in the world…I never really learned how to clean properly so I struggle…but I have never gone back to living the way I did when I was growing up.  Thus, it’s pretty important to me now to keep my house at least relatively clean and uncluttered.

I do have some pack rat tendencies.  I’m very sentimental…and growing up poor will make you turn into a bit of a collector.  You want “things” just to have them…because you didn’t have them before.  Things that comfort you and make you feel happy.

The key is to avoid having so many things that you can’t see the floor in any room of the house.

Basically, every day is a struggle for me to keep my house clean and uncluttered.  I’m relatively organized by nature but it’s very difficult to organize when you don’t have a lot of space.  So I try to think of new ways to keep things organized and neat even though I don’t have the room to do it the way I really WANT to do it.  Some days I wish I could hire someone to come in and organize it all FOR me and then I could just attempt to maintain it.  Alas, services like that are not cheap…and would probably require more of my time than I have to give.  But it’s a nice dream.

Someday…in a perfect world…I will live in a house big enough that it has a place for everything so that everything can be in it’s place.  My house will be neat and clean and organized all the time.  And I will sit on my front porch swing, with a drink in my hand…and watch the pigs fly overhead…

Sniffly memories on a random Wednesday

So…for those who don’t know, my mom is a Breast Cancer survivor.  She is also just one of the most lovely people I know.  She is sweet and generous and loving and she was a great mom and still is.  She is my mom and also my friend.

I started walking in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure 5k several years ago.  The first time was because my friend Debbie was doing it and offered to let me ride with her.  I enjoyed it SO much.  I came home and told mom all about it and she was so excited!  From that year on, she started coming with me.

The first time she tried to actually walk the course herself, we were doing the Tarrant County Race.  It’s more difficult than the Dallas race as the streets are not level and there are some rather steep and challenging hills on this particular course.  For my mom’s age and level of health, it was really challenging.

I told her not to worry about it…that we would walk at her pace and we could stop as many times as she wanted and to not worry about it…we would just enjoy it.  At first, she really did.  But she got winded a few times and it started to really psych her out.  At one point, about halfway through the race, she needed to stop and she was visibly upset.  I told her to just sit down and breathe and relax and I asked her why she was so distressed.  She looked at me with VERY worried eyes and said “What if I can’t finish?”  So THAT was it.  She just got overwhelmed…and I think she was afraid that I would be disappointed in her somehow.  I just grinned at her.

“Mom…if you can’t finish…you’ll sit down and prop your feet up right here and I’ll go get the car and pick you up.”  She looked slightly stricken by that thought and I laughed.  “It’s not a big deal.  You’d have to wait a little bit for me to get to the car and get back over here to you through the traffic…but it wouldn’t be a big deal.”

“I just wouldn’t want you to have to do that.”  She said.  “I just don’t know if I should have tried this.”  She looked so worried and so overwhelmed at that moment.  I sat down beside her on the cement ledge we’d found for her to rest on.

“Mom.  You beat breast cancer and survived a heart attack and quadruple bypass surgery.  This is nothing.  You can do this.  But if you are not comfortable and you can’t finish…nobody is going to hold that against you.  You did a lot more than a lot of people did.  You paid your registration fee, you raised money for a good cause, you showed up, and you tried.  If you were to stop right here…and I went and got the car and drove you home…I still couldn’t be more proud of you for the effort you’ve already made.  Some people spend their whole lives never doing anything for other people.  Here you are after surviving all of your health issues…and you’re HERE.  Showing other people that this disease CAN be beaten…and raising money to help others beat it too.  You were a hero before you even got out of bed this morning.  There is absolutely no one who would be disappointed in you if this was where your day ended for today.  I would be proud of you no matter what.”

She got teary eyed.  So did I.  After a couple more minutes, she got up and said “Come on…let’s go.”  I asked “Are you sure?” and she said “Yep” with a very determined face.  We kept walking.  We stopped several more times.  We attacked a really steep hill and I got behind her and pushed and she laughed…so did others that walked with us.  When we turned a corner about 4-5 blocks from the finish line and she saw it…she was a whole new person.  She sped up…she held her head up…and she was grinning like a fool.  So was I.  She finished that race…and I could not have been more proud of her.  Not only did she finish the race…she overcame all the fear that was holding her back that day and all the doubt that made her think she couldn’t do it.

Not a day goes by that I’m not proud of my mother.  Whether she’s walking her first 5k…or sitting on the couch holding my grandson.  She’s taught me more by example than most people in my life taught me when that was their sole intention.  I’m a better person because of her.  I only hope that I can inspire that in other people the way she has in me.

If you ever think that those around you are not looking to you for an example of how to live…or not live…their life, think again.  And act accordingly.  You never know who you might be inspiring.

My Uncle passed away recently.  It was incredibly abrupt and sad.  His health had been poor for some time and they were getting ready to do surgery.  I knew this.  I thought he would be fine.  They were trying to get his oxygen levels up so that he would be ok for the surgery.  But before they got that done, he passed away.  I was really thrown off by this.  I guess you can never really be prepared for something like that.

This particular uncle had some bad things in his past…some poor choices and poor behavior.  I never saw any of that and personally, I’m glad I didn’t.  What I knew…was that he loved me and he always showed me that.  He always had a hug and a smile for me.

I will miss him.

As I thought about all of this…I immediately thought of the last time I saw him.  Then I smiled.  The last time I saw my uncle, we were at a Mexican restaurant, celebrating my mom’s birthday.  I happened to be sitting next to that particular aunt and uncle that night.  We chatted through dinner.  After we ate, my boyfriend was being silly with a single circle of grilled onion…putting it on my plate when he thought I wasn’t looking.  Since boyfriend and I are both performers at a Renaissance Festival, we both had similar thoughts when I picked up the piece of onion.  I eyed it for a moment and then did something silly with it.  I don’t remember the specifics…but something to the effect of, “Look…it’s a finger hula hoop,” while twirling it about my finger.  I tossed it back to boyfriend, who came up with something else it could be.  Across the next few minutes, the piece of onion became a necklace, a mustache, a hat, a bracelet, an earring, a Hari Krishna ponytail…and multiple other strange things.  As we did this…everyone started watching and laughing.

My uncle, who was quite hard of hearing, had to ask my aunt several times to repeat what we had said the onion was each time.  And each time, he gave quite a belly laugh.  He was very amused by our silliness.  We played this game for quite a while and entertained our entire table and a few people at the next table…and a couple of people who were not even in our party.  We are silly like that.

At the end of the night, I hugged everyone and said goodbye…never even fathoming that it would be the last time I saw my uncle.  But looking back…I am so blessed to have such a lovely final memory of him.

Rest in peace, Uncle Wayne.  You were loved…and will be missed.

The end of an era.

Sometime today, a judge who never met me and knew nothing about my life except what he quickly skimmed over on some paperwork, signed the order that states that I am officially divorced.  After eleven years of building a life together and five years of marriage, I now find myself single.  It is disorienting.  I thought I would be much more upset today than I am.  Maybe it just hasn't hit me yet.  Maybe I'll fall apart when I get my copy of the paperwork.  I don't know.

What I do know...is that I've spent the last four months, since he walked out my door...trying to understand why we couldn't fix it.  The only conclusion I ever really came to...was that I would probably never truly understand it.  I also spent time trying to forgive myself for my part in the dissolution of the marriage.  And as odd as it may seem...I tried to forgive him...for hurting me by choosing to go and seek his own happiness.

Yes, he lied to me.  Yes, he made out with another girl while we were married.  Yes, he gave up on me and let me suffer through several counseling sessions trying to work it out when he knew in his heart that he was done. I'm angry at him for those things.  However...I am also not perfect.  I have made a lot of mistakes in my life.  I have hurt people.  I have broken people's hearts who truly loved me...because I had to do what was right for me.  Based on that, I tried to understand his decision and forgive him for hurting me.  He could have gone about it in a more honest manner.  But truly, I don't know if it would have hurt any less.  It did make me think less of him.  But again...I've not always made the best choices either.

So...all that being said, this is the end of an era.  Hopefully it is also the beginning of a better one.  I still feel a bit broken and a bit betrayed.  I still feel like it's going to be a long time before I can feel like that about anyone again.  I still think it's going to be a while before I can give my heart away like that again.  I intend to make sure that anyone who wants to be part of my life knows that.  I don't want to hurt anyone the way I've been hurt in the last year.

The last time I was hurt this badly, I shut down.  I closed my heart for years and didn't let anyone inside.  I'm making a valiant attempt not to do that again.

I'm giving myself time to heal.  I'm surrounding myself with people who love me and care about me.  I'm not letting this stop my life.  I am a bit broken...but not so much that I cannot repair myself and feel whole again. I believe that I will be in love again some day.  I believe and truly hope that I will find someone to share my life with who is as careful with my heart as I am with theirs.  It will take time...but I have faith that it will happen.

The chapter on A&L is now ended.

"This is the story of my life.  I write it every day. I know...it isn't black and white...but it's anything but gray.  I know...I'm not alright...but I'll be ok.  Anything and everything can happen.  It's the story of my life."
 ~Bon Jovi

To anyone reading this...thanks for being part of my story.